Beer you, beer me - Oneshots
by CosMoeTheRockCat
Summary: The gang getting drunk together
1. Hello, can you beer me?

As the youngest members of the gang turned 19, Stoick flew over once and brought a present.

"Hey father, nice to see you!" Hiccup welcomed him. "What´s the matter? I hope you´ve got no bad news for us, but came to congratulate the twins."

Stoick got off his dragon Skullcrusher and loosened two barrels from the dragon´s back.

"Birtday presents!" he smirked.

Hiccup glanced to the barrels and wavered between surprise and horror.

"Do I guess right, that there is no water in these barrels?" Hiccup asked.

Stoick laughed out loud. "It´s beer, son! You are young, you should celebrate! Not only the twins`birthday, but life! See, Hiccup: life is always insecure, especially if you defend the edge and berk against what enemy ever appears on the horizon. And it is important to always be prepared for whatever may come. But you work way too hard. Give it a try, have a party! Enjoy, because you never know, how much time is left."

"I know, father. But are you serious? Beer? For the twins? You never know what nonsense they hatch up when they´re drunk!"

Stoick laughed again. "Maybe you should hatch up some nonsense, too, son. I am very serious about my wish of you all have fun. Gobber and I will take care of the edge!"

Hiccup blinked at his father suspiciously. But then he sighed: "I´ll go get the twins."

Ruff and Tuff sat on the watchtower and were very bored. As Hiccup arrived with Toothless, they reported: "No ship, no dragon, dragonhunter, dragonrider, except of Astrid, Heather and Fishlegs on their exploration flight. A whale family, countless seagulls and neverending waves. Tuff slept for an hour and dreamed of cheese, before falling off the hammock. Then we switched and I dreamed of cheese."

"Come on, my father has come to give you a birthday present." Hiccup said, still not feeling very calm about the idea of those two getting drunk.

"That´s good news! Let´s have a look! Barf, Belch! Bring us to the clubhouse."

As the twins saw their presents they jumped on Stoick to hug him fiercely.

"Beer! My very own beer! And I am not too young this time so that the tavern host may shoo me away!"

Stoick shooted an annoyed look to Tuff. "I was the tavern host and you were 14 and had a false mustache stuck on."

Tuff embarrassedly drilled the tip of his left boot into the ground. "Thought, this´d work out good back then."

Astrid, Heather and Fishlegs arrived. "Chief, good to see you, how´s it going? There´s nothing in sight in about 30 miles. Our dragons need to rest." Astrid stated.

"Look what we´ve got! Beer!" Tuff sang. "A barrel each! One for me, one for Ruff! I´ll just sit i my barrel and put a straw in!"

Hiccup pinched his nose and gave punitive looks to his father, forming the words "what have you done?"

"Between beach and forest is a perfect little clearing, that lies in a depression. We can light a campfire and roast some meat and bread and cheese – why am I so keen on cheese? And we´ll have a great time!" Tuff explained.

Ruffnut didn´t seem to be as euphoric as her brother was.

"I always become kind of tired and boring, when I drink beer. But as long as you´re happy..." Ruff shrugged her shoulders.

Astrid and Heather said: "Party sounds good, but we´ll have to work out a plan first. Go have your party, we´ll come after all is done!"

Ruff and Tuff flew with their dragon, who had to carry the barrels to their cozy basin in the wood, where they could sit sheltered and would not be seen immidiately in case there would be a raid after all.

The twins were busy preparing the place and brought blankets, tankards, torches, bread, meat and cheese.

As the sky began to darken, all their dragons were fed and had gone to sleep in their stables.

Heather and Astrid still worked on something, or at least they pretended to, Hiccup supposed, as he thought the girls weren´t very keen on watching the twins and Snotlout getting drunk and behaving like monkeys.

But it turned out to be a very jolly evening.

They first ate and drank to every attack they had mastered.

"I drink to the victory over Alvin!" "I raise my tankard to the victory over Mildew!" "I drink to the victory over Dagur!" "Viggo!"

"I drink for your birthday!" and so on.

It didn´t take too long until the gang felt quite dizzy and inebriated.

"I am so damn weary! I knew it before, so why did I drink that much?" ruff whined.

"Princess, you only had two tankards! That´s not much!" Snotlout said and wiggled his eyebrows. "I always thought you easily outdrink each of us all!"

"Meh, I´ll get a nap! Don´t wake me up unless you have sweets! I´d go murder for some sugar!" Ruff yawned and laid back, leaning on a felled tree.

Snotlout and Tuff sat on another trunk and told dirty jokes.

"Listen! What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don´t get some support, people will think we´re nuts!" Snotlout laughed whimpering. And Tuff fell into his laughter! "Nuts! Ahahaha! Well, that was a tough nut, barely got it!" Hiccup had to admit that he had such fun like he hadn´t in a long time. He glanced over to Fishlegs, who just sat on another trunk and chuckled quietly. "Hey Legs, what´s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes!"

"Haha! Hiccup, how´s a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you!"

"Whoa, Fishlegs! Gimme more!" Snotlout snarled appreciatively.

"How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw!" Fishlegs glanced at Tuff, who didn´t give a heck. "What´s the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!"

Snotlout sure wasn´t shy, but now he blushed all over the face.

"That´s disgusting, Fishlegs!" Tuffnut roared and kept laughing like a lunatic.

"Yeah, disgusting!" Snotlout muttered quietly and gave Tuff an inconspicuous look.

"You know what I found out? If you drink a gulp of water after beer you´re not that hungover the next day. It´s all about hydration!" Tuff claimed.

"Very interesting, doctor Thorston. And what about the thesis to eat fatty before the binge?" Fishlegs asked.

"A qood question, dear colleage! There´s nothing true about it. The difference is in the taste of your vomit in case you have to throw up!"

"Ugh, gross!" Hiccup shook his head and took a big gulp of beer.

He was at a point, when his mood threatened to change.

So he laid back as Ruff had and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I also found out that you shall never, never ever go pee after the first beer. Then you can stay at the privy as well. By the way – that´s a thing I forgot in my gorgeous planning."

"Just go up the hillside!" Snotlout snorted.

Tuff tried to get on his feet. As he stood shakily, he tried to take one step at a time.

"Look guys, I can walk almost straight!" he giggled.

Fishlegs, who wasn´t that familiar with drinking beer (so he didn´t drink that much that night – only enough to feel quite funny) asked: "If you know that you rather shouldn´t go peeing after the first beer, why do you do so now?"

Tuff glared at him. Then he turned to the side and presented his swollen belly, which clearly emerged under his tunic. "I had about five."

"Wow, Tuffnut! Are you pregnant? Is there a little Beernut inside you kicking your guts?"

"Yeah, and now I´m in labor!"

Tuff slowly made his way into the undergrowth.

The friends heard a sharp hiss as he began to relieve himself, then a throaty moan.

"Wooohooo, chop down the wood! Snotlout cheered.

Ruffnut sat up and rolled her eyes. "That´s Tuffnut´s thing. Hey, no one can ever keep up with you! I´ll carve a medal for you for world´s best holding skills!" and to the others Ruff muttered: "When you´re afraid of the dark and don´t dare to leave for the toilet you have to train to hold it until the next morning!"

"Too much information, Ruff!" Hiccup groaned.

Footsteps were approaching.

"Tuff, we´re having visitors, soon. You´re done?" Fishlegs asked.

"Nope, not yet."

A trickle flowed slowly down the dry slope, before the ground could absorb the fluid.

Astrid arrived. "Hey guys, are you having fun?"

Snotlout chuckled frantically.

"I see. Heather and me won´t come anymore, we´re too tired and we want to sleep over at my hut. Sorry! Hiccup, what are you trying to do?" she asked quite annoyed, as Hiccup tried to shove her away.

"You should just step aside, honey!" he said, looking down to her right boot, where the trickle started to form a puddle.

Snotlout kept on laughing so hard, that he fell off his trunk!

"Wait, what is it? Is that...? This is... uuugggghhhh!" Astrid yelled.

"My tummy, oh my tummy hurts!" Snotlout grunted and held his belly. "Can´t breathe!"

Fishlegs laughed, too and even Hiccup couldn´t suppress a giggle.

Astrid shook her boot and went over to Ruffnut.

"Is that Tuff?" she asked. "Guilty!" he shouted from behind, from where he made his way back to the campfire several moments later.

"Hey Astrid, good to have you here! Did I ever mention you´re the most beautiful warrior around?" Tuff said and took Astrid´s hand to kiss it.

Hiccup stood up and felt kind uncomfortable.

"Thank you, Tuffnut? Um, are you drunk?" Astrid said askingly.

"That´s pretty much it! Yep. You are very sharp minded. Hiccup can be very glad to call you his girlfriend!"

"Again, thank you. Is that your hand, you used...?" Astrid wanted to know, staring down on Tuff´s hand still holding hers.

He frowned, let go off Astrid´s hand and looked from his right to his left hand and tried. "Oopsie!" he said and smiled slightly embarrassed. "You would never have believed to ever get that close to me, would you?" he snickered and wiggled his brows.

Hiccup couldn´t help laughing as he saw Astrid´s expression on her face.

The nicest description oscillated between disbelief and pure disgust.

She rubbed her hand over her skirt and pursed her lips.

"Well, see you tomorrow guys. Hiccup." She gave him a kiss on his mouth and patted his cheek.

"Wait, is that your hand...?" Hiccup asked and swallowed.

"Let´s just say, now you had Tuff´s dick in your face! Bye!" Astrid turned to Ruff, who sat against the trunk, nearly passed out, while Snotlout seemed to go nuts about the situation, laughing screechingly while rolling on the floor.

"Come on girl, we´ll go for a walk. Let´s give the boys alone time doing such mature things as telling fart jokes and compare their appendages." Astrid said and pulled Ruff on her feet.

"I don´t want to show nothing to no one!" Fishlegs protested.

Snotlout sta on his trunk again, sobbing because of the laughter.

"Ruff, you´ll have to stay, who else shall help me out of my boots later?" Tuffnut asked.

Astrid shoved him away from his sister, so that he fell into Fishlegs´ lap.

"That´s the answer! Fishlegs, take care of me, I´m too drunk to get up again. Just put your hands off my butt and everything is fine." Tuff curled up and leaned against Fishleg´s chest.

That was not the first time he slept that near to the cozy bearlike boy. It gave him confidence and he felt safe. Tuff never would admit, but he still could not sleep alone. Even drunk.

Snotlout tried to fight down his jealousy. His heart pumped angrily against his ribs.

Silly Fishlegs, why couldn´t it been him, Snotty, Tuffnut had fallen upon?

"I´ll get myself another drink! Anyone else?" he asked.

"Ask me later!" Tuffnut said, waving his right arm. Then he softly laid his hand on Fishlegs´mouth. "But now: shhhhh!"

"Take your dick hand off my face!" Fishlegs scolded.

"Sorry!" Tuff mumbled and fell asleep.

Snotlout thought: "If it was my face, Tuff would touch like that, I would nuzzle my nose into his palm, smelling his musky odor, softly kiss his fingers."

He sighed.

"Too bad, it´s not Snotlout´s lap I fell onto. But he would surely have pushed me away." was Tuffnut´s last thought.

Tuff was afraid of rejection. But so was Snotlout.

And Fishlegs had to figure out how to move now, when he wanted to avoid Tuff falling off. He was the third who wished, Tuff would have fallen onto Snotlout. Or somewhere else, at least.


	2. A mace in grace

It was awfully early in the morning and still pitch-dark.

The beerful conjuncture had lasted until an hour ago.

Most of the party Tuffnut had slept on Fishlegs lap.

Fishlegs began to freeze and he didn´t know where to put the passed out guy.

And the closeness kept him warm, after all. So he kept him sleeping and warming him on his legs.

"Doesn´t it bother you to cradle this moron like a baby? Lay him down on the floor and put a fur over him, he won´t notice." Snotlout said.

"It´s okay. He´s quite warm and so I don´t have to get a fur myself." Fishlegs responded.

"Legs, you´re such a big man, how can you be so cold?"

"I´m a bit tired. I always freeze when I become tired."

"Well, want another beer?" Fishlegs nodded and took he tankard Snotlout handed him.

Snotlout and Hiccup took another beer, too.

For a while no one said a word.

"The only thing that bothers me is his smell." Fishlegs interrupted the silence.

"Do you sniff at him?" Hiccup asked. He slowly began to slur and considered himself being extremely funny. For that reason Hiccup started giggling and couldn´t stop again.

"Um, no! You cannot unsmell him! It´s a mixture of beer, sheep, fur, leather and mostly sweat! If we ever went on a secret mission we would have to let him stay here or bathe him, otherwise our enemy would smell him long time before we are discovered. And his hair feels scratchy!"

Snotlout had wished so badly to reply to Fishlegs to stop complaining.

After all he was the one who was allowed to hold Snotlout´s secret crush.

Wait, had he really thought of Tuff as his crush?

Snotlout felt ashamed. It wasn´t a big problem for him to admit also liking men, the problem rather was, that he seemed to like Tuffnut. Tuffnut was Tuffnut. No one would ever fall in love with Tuffnut.

He didn´t think twice, often he didn´t think once, at all. He didn´t take anyone or anything serious. He couldn´t focus, he didn´t listen, he couldn´t sit still, he couldn´t stop talking.

But he was a caring brother, determined and strong, although scrawny and kind of crooked. He was funny and shrewd, eager and always trying to do his was trustful and he believed in the good in everyone. He didn´t judge, he didn´t lie, he didn´t have to shave his babyface of which Snotlout had said was ugly. He reminded punching him and making his nose bleed.

Boy, he had been such an asshole.

"You shouldn´t talk about him like that!" Hiccup said.

"But it´s the truth!" Fishlegs cried.

"He´s our friend! Our weird, smelly, scratchy, scrawny friend. And someone has to bring him home later. Too bad our dragons are already asleep." Hiccup sighed.

"I´ll take him home – he´s pretty wasted and shouldn´t stay alone. Ruffnut hangs out with Heather and Astrid, you know. Tuff could wake up and be just himself. I don´t want to be responsible for that." Snotlout said.

"Good idea. I didn´t know you were caring for someone who is not you!" Fishlegs tried to joke.

"Legs, you should already know that good old Snotlout has a very soft core and is a very good guy beneath all the muscles and arrogance!" Hiccup hiccuped.

"Am I that mean?" Snotlout asked.

"No, but annoying. It seems like everyone of us, even the girls, try to be as hard as possible. No one wants to admit that he or she has fears and worries."

"Except of him!" Snotlout pointed at the sleeping one. "He is afraid of everything, except telling everyone that he is afraid. Pretty brave."

"Yeah, I guess we all are afraid of something." Fishlegs stated.

"I´m afraid my tankard is empty!" Tuffnut mumbled and tried to sit up.

"Hey, it´s alive!" Snotlout cheered.

"I challenge you guys to a pissing contest! Except Ruffnut is still here, she always wins! The winner will have breakfast in bed tomorrow. Served by the loser."

"That´s stupid!" Fishlegs fought back. But then he gave in. "Deal!"

As the young men returned from their mission, which no one had won, because it was much too dark to see anything, Tuff chuckled: "You guys know that I just didn´t want to go alone? Only the Gods know what kind of creature is lurking in the undergrowth. Just waiting for a midnight snack..."

"Don´t worry Tuff, your smell will keep away all kind of natural enemies!"

"What´s wrong with my smell?" Tuffnut asked offended. "It´s your smell!" Snotlout replied. "True!" Tuff admitted and got himself another beer.

"Who burps the loudest!" he yelled and started, "but no throwing up, that´s cheating!"

Snotlout, Hiccup and Fishlegs had some more beer, too and a lot of boy talk, serious and hilarious.

More beer. More burps. More visits at the undergrowth.

Even Hiccup behaved like a normal young man.

At last, before they all decided to go home (except of Tuffnut, who had fallen asleep again, but this time on a trunk), they could hardly talk.

Fishlegs, still the most sober, yanked Tuff over his shoulder and carried him to Snotlout´s hut.

Snotlout was jealous as fuck – but he couldn´t think clearly anymore. He was too tired, too drunk, too uncertain.

Fishlegs laid Tuff onto Snot´s bed and said goodbye.

He felt slightly sick and placed a bucket next to his bed, in case he or Tuff would have to throw up.

He helped Tuff getting his boots off and laid them with his helmet on a table. Then he stripped down to his underwear.

Tuff curled up on Snotlouts´s bed and trembled.

Snotlout sat down beside him and softly touched his arm. He was very cold, so Snot covered him up with a woolen blanket.

"Thanks a lot, my dear!" Tuff muttered and put his arm around Snot´s waist before falling deeply asleep.

Snotlout didn´t dare to move or to breathe. His heart pounded against his ribcage.

Finally he slid lower and his face was only inches away from Tuffnut´s face.

He couldn´t help but watching the weirdo next to him. And now he had the opportunity to smell Tuffnut. Yes, it was sweatty and beery and furry – but it also was musky and sweet, dry and very male.

"Gods, don´t let me wake up next to him with the boner of my life!" Snotlout thought, before he fell asleep, too.

He didn´t, but Tuffnut did.

And pure and innocent as he was, he sat up, stretched himself and tried to climb over Snotlout out of the bed. Unfortunately his left foot got tangled up in the blankets and Tuff had to stay on Snotlout, straddling him.

Snotlout woke up and his eyes opened widely, as he saw Tuff sitting on his lap, bent over and trying to free his foot from the blanket.

"Sorry Snot, didn´t mean to wake you up, just got caught in your greedy blanket. I bet it tries to eat me!"

As Tuff finally operated his foot free he sat up and smiled down to Snot, acting as if this small, yet not so small thingy between his legs wouldn´t rub over Snot´s chest. Snotlout couldn´t do anything but stare.

Tuff climbed off him and headed to the loo.

Snot heard him saying: "Gods, remind me to never drink again. At least for the next two years. Or months. This silly draining is such a waste of time. Why do I not wear my tunic?"

As Tuff came back he went to a bucket with water and scooped some out with his hands to pour it into his face. He also took a big gulp, rinsed his mouth and spat over the railing. "I hope there was no one picking flowers or stuff!" he smirked and jumped back into Snotlout´s bed.

He punched him on the upper arm and asked again: "Seen my tunic? I´m pretty sure I fell asleep in it."

Snotlout was glad about changing the subject, or rather talking at last (and stopping to stare at the blonde).

"I undressed you, because you vomited on yourself!"

"Oh, did I? That explains the taste in my mouth!"

"I held your hair!" Snotloud said and shook his head. What did he just say? I held your hair? He should have said something like "Be glad I was prepared and held a bucket under your face as I heard you gagging, bud. Otherwise I would have let you sleep in one of the trees around!"

But he didn´t. He said, he held Tuffnut´s dreadlocks while he puked his soul out of his body. And undressed him afterwards.

"Um, thank you. And sorry!" Tuff was decent enough to be ashamed.

Tuff grabbed Snot´s right Hand and crossed his fingers with those of Snot.

"You know that I have to kill you now, don´t you? You saw me at my deepest point so far."

Snot pulled his hand away and shoved Tuff away from him.

This soft skin, warm and littered with freckles. Now Tuff smelled completely different, sweet and dusty, milky like a newborn, like sun, and yes, sweatty. Snotlout pulled up his blanket and shot a lookk like flying daggers at Tuff.

His middle part woke up and seemed to be curious about what was going on out there!

Tuff glared at him, his grey puppylike eyes full of doubt and nervousness.

Snot hated him for doing this to him.

"Meh, it´s all fine, bro! Better than you suffocating alone at your hut and Ruffnut finds you in the afternoon."

Tuff leaned his head against Snot´s shoulder.

"Why can´t this moron just stop touching me?" Snot thought and sighed quite annoyed.

"She´s the only one who would miss me." Tuff thought loudly.

"You stupid son of a Yak, do you think I´d take care of you and sleep with you in my bed and hold your hair while you puke and ignore your boner on my belly, because you don´t mean anything to me?" Snotlout panted and stared at Tuff with fiery eyes.

Tuff was surprised by Snot´s passionate speech and he replied subdued: "Do I?" Snotlout shoved him again. "Stop shoving me!" Tuff giggled.

That made Snotlout kind of angry and aroused and he shoved Tuff again, this time more emphatically.

"Hey, stop!" Tuff growled, but Snot wouldn´t listen to him, but bringing him down on his back. "I said stop it, what´s wrong with you?" Tuff shouted and tried to headlock Snot.

They wrestled through the bed, throwing pillows and blankets away, falling onto the hard floor, where Tuff felt the air pressed out of his lungs, as Snot landed on him.

The noise he made let Snot pause. "Did I hurt you?"

"Yeah, I´m hurt, I´m very much hurt!" Tuff answered, but then he skipped Snot onto his back and straddled him again.

His dreadlocks brushed over Snot´s chest.

Both men looked into each others eyes, both felt the erections of the other, both forgot just to breathe.

Snot took some of Tuff´s braids and pulled him down to himself, until their lips nearly touched.

"Now I have to kill you, instead!" he muttered.

"Why? Because some random guys, who randomly slept in one bed are now about to kiss each other?" Tuff demanded and pressed his lips onto Snotlout´s.

Between their kisses Snot gasped: "That will never ever happen again!"

"Absolutely!" Tuff replied, pushing his wood against Snot´s hip, who growled deeply at Tuff´s neck: "I don´t even like you!"

"I like you neither!" Tuff claimed, while he dug his fingernails into Snotlout´s chest.

"Shhhh, there´s someone coming!" Snotlout said.

Tuff chuckled at Snot´s mouth: "Oh, then that has to be you. I´m not that far..." "Shh, simpleton! Footsteps!" Tuff stared at Snotlout and looked pretty confused, but he managed to jump into the bed and pretended to be asleep and Snotlout fleeded to the loo, just in time before Ruffnut came through the open door.

She saw her brother lying in the bed on his stomach and made a disgusted noise. "Ugh, time to get up bro!" she said and shoved him with her boot.

Tuff raised his head and glanced at his sister.

"Oh hey, what is it, Ruff?"

"Time to go home. Stoick and Gobber have left and we´re on our own again. Time to fly our dragon."

"Later, sis! I´ve got a headache!" "No, now!" she replied and pulled Tuff out of the bed with gentle force that did not tolerate any contradiction.

As Tuff stood in front of her, she could see a pretty big bulge emerging in his pants.

"Ugh, gross! Get dressed and swing your bony ass out of here! It´s nearly evening and I had to work with Barf and Belch without your help! Now you can shovel poop, I´m done for today."

"Go ahead, I´ll have to collect my clothes." Tuff sighed.

Ruff nodded. "Okay." Then she punched Tuff´s arm and left.

Tuff put on his vest and boots, yanked the tunic over his shoulder and sought for Snotlout, who just dared to sneak in again.

Both stood in front of each other, their heartbeat rose, their cheeks blushed, they both didn´t quite know where to look.

Tuff put on his helmet and scratched his neck. "Well, um, thank you! I really appreciate..." "Ah, shut up and piss off!" Snotlout said, then smiled kinda shy.

"I don´t like you anyway!"

Tuff´s facial expression went from shock to amusement. "Don´t like you either!" As he turned to go he tossed his hair back and right into Snotlout´s face. "Oh for Thor´s sake, fuck off!"

Tuffnut flipped Snot the bird and went to go home with his sister, smiling goofily.

What a night. What a day. What the fuck.


End file.
